Well, this week will make it 2 months since I’ve been back to work. I really can’t even believe what a semi-smooth transition it has been for me after being home for 20 months. I didn’t have a lot of nerves or anxiety leading up to my start day like I thought I would either. I guess just the comfort of going back to a familiar place with familiar faces helped, a lot. And knowing I have a pretty flexible schedule regarding when I come into the office and when I leave. There is no hard start or stop time, so that alone is really helpful in easing my anxiety for sure. My boss is super family oriented too, so he gets it.
What did bother me though was thinking about how I made it all work before as a working mom with 2 little girls and a husband whose own career makes it difficult to help out. I don’t know why but I kept thinking I wouldn’t be able to do it again. I mean I’ve done it for years. Get up before the sun, get myself put together, get the girls dressed, take them to daycare, commute to the office and be there by 7:30am, work hard, commute back to daycare and grab the girls, cook dinner, clean up, bath and bedtime for the kids and then me, plus taking care of Smokey and getting everything prepped for the next day. A continuous cycle. And hell I even used to workout at the park for a whole hour with a work out group after Ryan got home! Not doing that now, but I’m sure I’ll get back into it. All-in-all, it’s a lot. I‘ve always worked; before kids, after baby #1, and baby #2. Why do I doubt myself all the time? Why do I always feel like I can’t do hard things? Millions of women do this everyday with worse conditions than I have, with less help or with bosses who don’t understand the daily struggle. So why do I feel like I can’t? What makes me so incapable? Why does my mind tell me these things over and over again? I don’t know.
But either way, I’m making it all work. Because why? Because Erica Can. Because I am capable, competent and determined.
Early wake-ups and getting the girls off to school is probably the most stressful part of the entire day. I am not a morning person and either is Cicely. So I already struggle my damn self with waking up and getting all put together in a decent outfit with hair and makeup done to head Downtown to work in a corporate office. Ryan leaves while I’m still getting ready. Then Cicely fights me most mornings. Lots of tears and tantrums and chaos. I put her clothes on, she takes them off, same with shoes… I put her hair up, then she pulls it all out. Trying to be pulling out of the driveway at 6:30am is tough man!
Erian has been pretty good. She’s like Ryan, waking up early doesn’t bother her, even if she didn’t get as much sleep as she should have. Most nights the girls play and/or fight in their room for hours after I’ve put them to bed. It’s exhausting. Then I’m yelling through the monitor to “go to sleep!” LOL So we started having one sleep in the guest bedroom so they can each be alone. They like it too. And it’s actually helped so much. Evenings have gotten quieter and I can get more done and Cis has been waking up well rested and less grumpy.
The best part is Ryan is coming home at a decent time right now, so he actually has been able to help me more. He was even able to take the girls to a dentist appointment for me, since it was only my second week back and I didn’t want to take time off so soon. I think Erian was nervous about it since he hadn’t taken them before. She talked about it all week until the time came on a Thursday LOL. He cleans the kitchen after dinner sometimes too, and that’s always a big help. I’m really grateful. Soon it won’t be like that. He’s going to be working out of town for a while starting later this month, so I can’t get too used to it.
But as far as work goes, I am really happy. I think I came back at a great time. Before the holidays things were pretty laid back and schedules were flexible for employee vacation and stuff. I’m enjoying my new department and I think they are happy that I’m here. It’s nice to see my work buddies again and of course my best friend still works here, so having a lunch partner is awesome. Way better than having to make new friends and eating lunch alone in your car when you first start at a new place, LOL. Please tell me I’m not the only one who has done that! Ha! Anyway, I just wanted to update you all on where things are right now. I feel like my depression has taken a backseat, and I’m feeling really good. My anxiety is constant, but my goal every day is to try my best to push through and basically fake it ’til I make it! IYKYK!
We were supposed to host Christmas this year and a big extended family dinner on the 26th, but COVID hit a lot of people hard and our plans were canceled. Hoping for a better Christmas next year. I hope you all had very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! Wishing everyone good health and a prosperous 2022 filled with many blessings! 2021 was a tough one; happy to see it go. xoxo
