My First Blog

So, I decided to start a blog y’all. Why? Because I already journal regularly and because my life with my husband and girls can be crazy, funny, and sometimes down right ridiculous. But most importantly, real and raw. Plus, it would be nice to know that I’m not the only one in my situation and I would love to share with others who go through similar life experiences and challenges. Honestly, I have no clue what the fuck I’m doing, but I’m just gonna try it an see how it goes. I’ve literally never even read blogs before. I just feel like this is what I need in my life right now. If y’all only knew what I have gone through this year you’d understand. Let me tell you quickly about my life as it is right now.

Hopefully you read my About me section; if not, do that real quick. My daughters are Erian (Air-ee-in) and Cicely (Sis-uh-lee) aka Cis, Cissy or CiCi, pretty much whatever shorter name comes out. And sorry, I feel like I need to get the pronunciations out of the way because for some reason pronouncing their names correctly is difficult for some people.

So quick bio on them; Erian is my smarty pants baby, she’s always been smart and has yearned for education and loves reading and doing hands on, challenging things that require parental help. She’s sensitive, loving, sassy, athletic and a great big sister. Cicely on the other hand is the typical savage, no limit soldier, second born, and is obsessed with butts! Yes, booties. She talks back, has an attitude and her normal cry is like a bloodcurdling scream (has been since she was born). Anyway, they are 22 months apart and are currently 4 and 2 years old. Oh, and more about our dog. He is a 14.5 year old, big ass miniature dachshund named Smokey (aka Smoke, Smokey boy, brother) who has terrible back problems, Alzheimer’s, mostly deaf, has had many teeth removed, is on CBD and honestly is an expensive pain in the ass; but like most pets, he’s our baby and we love him.

I’m a stay at home mom, SAHM, if you will…. Jesus, I hate saying that shit, let me just be honest, I’m fucking unemployed for almost a damn year now, partly because of COVID-19 and mostly because I was working years for a start up oil & gas company at their beautiful corporate office downtown as an Executive Assistant and that company’s marketing department couldn’t get their shit together and sell some fucking gas, so they had to let go half, yes HALF, of the entire company in March 2020. I’m not bitter, I just feel like they did me a little dirty. But they did give me a generous severance so there’s that, it is what it is. Anyway, I’ve been trying to get back to work for a year now and it just hasn’t happened…yet.

But since then, I had to pull my girls from full-time childcare and now Cicely is home with me full-time and Erian is in pre-k three days a week. This is where the craziness comes in. I love my babies, absolutely adore them, but get this, unlike some SAHMs, I’ve literally never aspired to stay home. I’ve always wanted to work outside the home and make money and contribute to the household income, and I always have, even before this last company, I’ve worked full-time. So, the fact that I’m home now has become an ALMOST daily struggle. And I say almost because there are some upsides, obviously, because ya girl loves to sleep! So the fact that I don’t have to be up at 5:15am every morning is amazing, and getting the one-on-one time with Cissy is a blessing, so are the extra days with Erian. Plus I don’t have to take off work for every doctor appointment, or leave early for softball games, or have to leave work to pick up sick kids, etc.

But other than that, it’s caused bouts of depression, which sucks, and I’m already an anxious person but my anxiety is even more ridiculous now! And I wish my Cis was at school learning more, socializing and making friends, but it doesn’t make sense for us financially. Now the mom guilt sets in because she always asks to go to school with Erian. I mean she was in full-time childcare since she was 3 months old, so she remembers what it was like. I keep telling her and poor Erian tells her too, “When Mommy goes back to work, you can go back to school.” Fuckin’ sucks man. I feel bad, like my child is here yearning for something that I just can’t give her. I think she kind of understands, but she’s only 2, so I don’t know for sure.

So, here were are. The depression is why I started journaling. It’s very therapeutic and gets me through the tough days. I never know what I’m going to write about. Just whatever is on my mind, or my heart, or maybe something just going on in my life at the moment. Thank you if you’ve made it this far. Hopefully you’ll come back for more.